why is this looping in the little playlist in my head?

hmmm.

there is no better feeling- than that of arriving home to people who are truly pleased to see you, of snuggly (and slightly hairy) pets who insist on following you around all day, of friends who you genuinely cannot wait to see again.

there is none.

except maybe finally sleeping after 36 hours of non-sleep, free of nightmares and scary voices in your head.

i wonder what these 3 weeks will do to us.

i also wonder why my hair is refusing to lie flat (why must you stick out like that?)

i am also looking forward to watching transformers tomorrow (although it is quite likely that i will not enjoy it, seeing as it is loud and full of shouty explosions and also megan fox, whom i understand ..bounces..around a lot in this movie). i am determined to try and enjoy it in spite of all this, just so i can finally say I HAVE WATCHED THIS WRETCHED MOVIE because yes, i am weak and vulnerable to peer pressure like that.

also i am looking forward to tea-and-cake-and-movie-and-shopping with my bestest friend (yay!!), and meeting up with my other bestest friend (when she gets back, hurry up woman!) so double yay!

I AM SO EXCITED I MIGHT JUST EXPLODE

kablooey!

this silence sits easy

so peacefully.

*

today, this morning of the 30th day of june, the middle of the year (don’t quibble, dramatic effect ok)..

i have decided

to just forget everything.

it’s so much easier to erase the past, rather than remember and think and remember and think

maybe in a few years i’ll be able to look back and not be sad

but for now, for now..

it never existed,

and none of it was real.

i know someone who would (should!) be proud of me.

(you better be proud of me woman!)

*

so take me far away now

and hold me close to your heart

and do me just this little favour

those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

sigh.

can’t wait for next week.

so many things to look forward to.

damn it, maybe i SHOULD go buy that ___.

i want it all and i want it now.

maybe it’s a substitute for you.

yes, that must be why i have so many shoes.

hee.

clickety click my darlings, it’s Chuck Bass

and an accent has never been sexier.

that katy perry song has been looping in my head for SOME STRANGE REASON

and then i listened, really listened, and realised

hot damn, my subconsicous mind does a whole lot of thinking doesn’t it.

hee.

it’s headless chicken time, baby!

except i won’t run in circles anymore-

i promise.

(logistically though, this might pose a problem…think about it…where/how else would i run?)

a few days ago i had a very vivid dream, in which i was at the david jones stocktake sale

where i found these awesome prada flats for $20.

so naturally i Had to get them.

but then, as my companions distracted me (pffft) i turned around to discover that my pradas had been whisked away by the SA!

frustrated i was,

but also determined to score myself a bargain.

and so i continued browsing, and lo and behold,

i found some chanel flats for $50!

and so i leaned over to get them,

and hit my head on the shelf.

and then i woke up,

because i had rolled over and hit my head on the bedside table.

whoooOooO!

you see, even in my dreams i am unfaltering in my love of footwear-

i will not be defeated in my pursuits.

now if only i could apply that to things that ACTUALLY matter…

i was just sitting here, thinking about bananas

and then i remembered one day last year when i ate 7 bananas and a cup of coffee and had palpitations.

oh, the wonders and marvels of my brain.

why am i thinking about bananas?

curiouser and curiouser.

sometimes when i look at pictures of my pets

i think i want to squeeze them

until they explode.

hee.

let there be light, let there be morning.

yesterday someone told me:

if everyone placed all their worries into little jars

and lined them up on a shelf-

given the choice,

we’d all pick our own jars.

there are some songs that stay with you, always

and for some reason,

this is mine.

HA!

source

woowoowoo

dance in the dark

hee.

well, do ya, punk?

DANGER, DANGER!

say it with me, say it until it makes no sense.

DANGE-R.

i’m lonely.

i know this has been a recurring theme in my posts, but given that i mostly only blog when i’ve got things on my mind, i’m not surprised,hahaha…

there are very few people i can really talk to, whom i know understand where i’m coming from, who don’t judge me (well mostly, except when i am truly lazy and watch 10 hours of tv instead of studying, please, judge away..), and who are willing to actually listen to me whine, which, given my temperament, calls for a great deal of patience indeed.

most of these people are not currently here in Melbourne.

hence my loneliness.

something happened today that made me realise how we can all trumble along with life, not quite realising what’s going on under the surface.

in retrospect, everything seems a lot clearer.

sometimes you have to remove yourself from you, to see what’s not right, how things should be different, how i should be or could be different, but am not.

sometimes i need someone else to tell me to do this.

sometimes i need to see it somewhere else to recognise it in myself.

today i realised for the first time that the things i do or say can in fact affect someone’s life (hopefully for the better, although i’m sure i’ve caused lots of harm somewhere along the way).

maybe that’s the nature of medicine, that the essence of it in the end, is human contact.

maybe sometimes remembering that patients are people just like you and me, or maybe, we are just like our patients..maybe that’s what i need to remind me, sometimes.

sometimes i think i need reminding.

sometimes i think,

(i know)

i just need someone

to make it real for me.

it’s a cold, rainy night,

and my fingers are frozen.

there are two things on my mind right now

one which i cannot disclose, for professional reasons,

and another,

which i will not disclose, because i cannot articulate it.

what then, is the point, of telling you i have something on my mind,

and yet

not telling you?

i don’t know either.

if only i understood my mind, my damn thinking process, always thinking and thinking, why am i always thinking?

GAH.

stop thinking, me.

grrr.

oh my god,

theyskens is leaving nina ricci?

i’m really out of it.

this had better be worth it…

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that’s best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.

it always makes me want to cry.

thursday nights-

the still, humid air

crickets,

my piano,

midnight.

the still, humid air-

i thought i’d left it behind,

but no.

solitude,

quiet,

sleep.

i wish it could be easier

i wish what was right could be easy

i wish i was stronger

i wish you would be strong with me,

for me.

i wanna be forgotten

and i don’t wanna be reminded

bladeblablabla

BLABLABLA

who cares anymore

globalwarming,worldpeace,happyhappyjoyjoy,

WHO CARES

because

NOBODY HAS THE TIME ANYMORE DAMMIT!

i am in love

with coffee.

so lovely.

plus lee pace, the piemaker, he of the daisy pushing persuasion..

mmm.

it amuses me to see how we, meaning you and i and us 

have changed

solitude.

surrounded by people i talk to, but don’t,really.

washing my hands in my rented designer sink, i realise

we talk, but we don’t, really.

i wonder what happened to the me i once knew,

i used to talk,

but now i merely speak.

although of course, that isn’t to say that i’m quiet.

hell no, i cannot be shut up-

but i don’t talk anymore.

maybe that’s a good thing.

*

i’ve been watching dawson’s creek

(withhold judgement, please)

how times have changed.

having watched most episodes of most major suspects ( i.e. Gossip Girl, 90210, OC, whatelse..I dunno..The Hills -yes, all my taste is in my mouth..)..

it pleases me to no end that i can now draw comparisons between my obvious lapses in judgement.

(actually i retract that statement, i actually enjoy my lapses in judgement)

(which doesn’t say much about my judgemental skillery)

i have decided that they are in fact, one and the same, with different names and places and clothes and shoes (which are obviously what i am most drawn to, and Gossip Girl wins this hands down, no surprises there)

but essentially

they are all the same.

but the difference is,

instead of once commiserating with the highly torturous (and vacuous) dramas that ensue in each 40 minute session

i can now laugh.

so haha.

HA!

but i am still vacuous.

you know that already.

also, the spelling of vacuous has always eluded me.

teehee.

those damn dawson’s river kids.

*

maybe i’ve just run out of someone to talk to.

TIGGER AND POOH!

i’m watching this:

My Friends Tigger and Pooh: Hundred Acre Haunt

playhouse disney can be very amusing at times.

(also, the songs are very catchy)

this is why i hardly ever argue with small children when they insist on watching CHANNEL 613 all day long.

but of course,

i never told you this.

shh.

*

it helps,

every little bit helps.

and i remember the sound

of your November downtown

i remember the truth,

a warm December with you

but i don’t have to make this mistake

and i don’t have to stay this way

if only i would wake.

it’s been awhile.

what’s happened since then?

what exciting, drama filled events have transpired since then?

many, many, many trips to somewhere i hated at first, then gradually learned to tolerate, then slowly grew to love, and then was sad to leave.

seven weeks with people i love so much, so, so much.

and i never wanted to leave again,

but i did.

i can’t wait to go back.

in times of need,

i will always remember-

the kindness of strangers

help in the most unexpected places.

i have read and read and read

and yet i remain.

i seek to understand,

but still i cannot.

perhaps it isn’t the actual understanding i need at this time,

but the knowledge and realisation that i need to understand, that i must strive to understand.

i will try harder.

i can change and i will change and it will be for the better.

and in 20 weeks, 20 short weeks,

i will be home again.