practice test

I’ve been in this spot all day, listening to the same songs,

missing home, missing Someone

wondering what else is out there.

wouldn’t it be nice, if we could take a practice test for life?

 

Instead I must sit here and work through 15 practice tests. of which i have completed..2 pages.

this is going to be a Long Night.

September 25, 2011. MY So-Called Life. 2 comments.

radioactive!

in less than 72 hours i get to go HOME (ie Home Home, not “home”, which I currently am in, but of course, lacks all the people that make Home Home, with the notable exception of Someone, who makes “home” feel a bit more like Home Home.)

man that was a long digression.also, confusing.

but anyway. WIN!

in the past year I do realise I’ve spent (wasted) a lot of time thinking about things, mulling over stupid things (grey?or blue? JUST GET BOTH), contemplating Important Questions, thinking and thinking and rethinking and wishing and hoping and wondering. most of all, wondering.

tonight I spent a little more time wondering. the precipitant? a song. Friday nights when I was 17, a movie, a line, a colour, a phrase, a picture, the heady scent of smoke (KL pollution) and musk and flowers and equations, and Math, how I used to Love Math.

now I can’t even calculate doses without a calculator. (but really, would you trust my mental arithmetic skills when THIS IS THE GENT THAT WILL KILL YOUR KIDNEYS)

so anyway. i also decided, after all this wondering, that i shall stop wondering and thinking whatifwhatifwhatif, because so what if whatif?

what IS, is the here and the now, and I choose the here and now.

because I’m radioactive, baby!

July 14, 2011. MY So-Called Life. Leave a comment.

the Kleenex issue

image

so pretty,but so highly allergenic.

July 7, 2011. MY So-Called Life. Leave a comment.

Work,it pays the bills

image

Oh it’s been ages .. and with scenes like this who can motivate to get out of bed to go to work.. before 7 am!?! Sigh.

June 10, 2011. MY So-Called Life. Leave a comment.

atonement

today,

i did something that i’m very proud of.

or rather, didn’t do something, which in a way, makes me the proudest of all.

you’d be proud of me too.

it’s moments like this, days like these, when i think iwanttoiwanttoiwantto, and don’t, that i know i can do this, and i will, because i am.

 

February 14, 2011. MY So-Called Life. Leave a comment.

Start to Smile

…when you come back in july we can go to the bouncy castle and they also have a big toy store and then we can go and see the reptiles did you know reptiles are cold blooded and they are fierce creatures but there are also friendly reptiles like the ones we saw this morning,remember? and i put my leopard gecko in a basket with lizard food and the ben 10 alien parts and ultimate humongosaur is different from humongosaur because his hands can turn into WEAPONS

somehow coming back always seems to make

leaving again that much harder.

January 3, 2011. MY So-Called Life. Leave a comment.

the ? question

you know, i think i like this new career of mine.

after all, i get to use big words like pathognomonic without being judged.

me likey.

December 24, 2010. MY So-Called Life. 3 comments.

we’ll find the key

i am currently feeling a sense of contentment i haven’t felt in a long time.

maybe it’s because i am super full

from

breakfast (cherries), lunch (cherriescarrotspizza), and dinner (paellasouvlakipidepancakesNOMORECHERRIESTHANKGOD)

whoopee.

*

i’m listening to a song a friend wrote

it is ..

interesting.

i thought it would make me sad,

but all it has done is made me feel nostalgic.

i’m not sure if it’s just an idealised memory

but then again isn’t that what nostalgia is about, really?

reminiscing about things you once wanted and loved,

things you thought you loved

things you still love

things that were far from

ideal

but somehow always manages to seem…

perfect,

when you reflect on it.

*

this coming year i’m making a promise

because i’m worth it.

you make the things i see so beautiful

 

 

December 8, 2010. MY So-Called Life. 1 comment.

priori incantatem

“if you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded”

- maya angelou

today, i am officially a doctor.

no longer will i be able to lean on the crutch of “i’m just the medical student, let me clarify with ____”

this is it.

*

i think about the past 5 and a half years,

the past 3 years,

and quite oddly,

the past year in particular

(if you know the reason, you know)

i think about all the cliches you hear at graduations and commencement ceremonies,

all the “this is not the end, it’s just the end of the beginning”

etc etc etc

and trite, twee, contrived as they all are,

there is something about crossing that stage, walking down those steps

that makes you think-

it’s been a long journey,

it wasn’t always easy,

but i’ve come a long way.

there’s something about it that makes you feel

i deserve this,

i am worth it.

*

today,

having the people who really matter to me

and having someone (you know who you are) say to me-

you’ve done well for yourself

i know i can do it

i still get these fleeting moments of sadness, of anger, of regret,

but now the difference is

i can tell myself

you will get better, and you will be better

i will be better than this.

i will now end with a cliche.

The first act of your life is over. Welcome to the best years of your lives.

- Nora Ephron

*

we all do, even the most flawed of us,

we all have.

 

December 5, 2010. MY So-Called Life. 2 comments.

four corners

i suppose it would be a fair observation, that i display obsessive compulsive tendencies.

my habits, which range from washing my hands religiously (5 moments for Hand Hygiene, represent!), to filing my bills and statements chronologically (which technically, is not obsessive compulsive, but some people beg to differ), to watching and rewatching gossip girl and er and bigbang and whatnot, for the most part, i believe cause no disadvantage or inconvenience to others.

which is why i get upset when i am called out, in a beyond-ribbing manner, on my habits and interests and all other matters regarding to my personal practices and beliefs. for reasons that i know not, but have suspicions about. which i think is unfair.

for some reason, as this year, 2010, draws to an end, i am not…happy.

i have not been happy for a while now.

there are many reasons i should be happy, thankful, rejoicing.

i hope to graduate medical school in a fortnight.

i have friends, who i now know will be there for me, as long as i ask

and perhaps above all, i have a deeply loving family, who are far from perfect, but whom i love, and love me very much.

and yet, i am unhappy.

i know the reason why, and i suspect some of you (well, the very few of you) do, as well.

i do not understand.

i do not understand behaviour.

i do not understand motivations.

i suppose in the big picture (which was going to be the title of this post, until i changed my mind), this is no reason for me to be unhappy. it is but a small detour, in what i foresee will continue to be a long and complicated journey, in both my personal and professional life.

but having the insight, and knowing what is the right course of action does not make it easier to undertake.

it does not make it easier for me to wake up every morning and tell myself, today i will not cry.

it most certainly does not make it easier for me to stop wondering, stop reflecting, stop mulling obsessively (you know, because of my obsessive compulsiveness), even though i am a rational person, and have a working understanding of basic psychiatry, and recognise that my behaviour is not normal.

i just want to be happy again.

i am finding it hard, though, to believe, that i will be, again.

dear grown-up,happy(er) self,

i eagerly anticipate our next meeting and look forward to making your acquaintance soon, in the near future.

yours,

me.

i also look forward to meeting my own john carter (except hopefully without the amyloidosis and renal failure), because i am tired, i am alone, and most of all, i think i deserve it.

after all of this, after the debacle that has been my life thus far, i think i deserve it.

because don’t we all?

November 22, 2010. MY So-Called Life. Leave a comment.

my love

it has been a long time since a day has gone by

during which i have not cried, at some point

which is worrying and sad, all at the same time.

this has occurred to me

because today, i cried watching a short film,

and then i cried listening to debussy

(when in actual fact, if there’s any reason to cry, it should be that i have EXAMS on THURSDAY!)

this worries me.

 

November 9, 2010. MY So-Called Life. Leave a comment.

high low

today, i am grateful for:

my best friends, who remember

harry potter and rpattz and favourite flowers

the kind words of a complete stranger

*

also,

in what must surely be some kind of cosmic intervention

(yes, channel 9)

harry potter 3 is on tv!

i shall watch it.

*

every day,

i will get

just that little bit better.

October 29, 2010. MY So-Called Life. Leave a comment.

what’s so bad…about feeling good?

pOokpOok thinks it is ironic

that she has just opened the Magnolia Bakery cookbook

to the Traditional Vanilla Buttercream frosting recipe

and placed it atop her

Oxford Handbook of Clinical Medicine,

opened to the page on diabetes mellitus.

OH LORD

THE IRONY.

groan.

(also pOokpOok would like to add that:

for her upcoming birthday, age unspecified,

she would like a kitchenaid mixer,

please and thank you)

SANTA ARE YOU LISTENING?

(clearly, she is also confused)

July 27, 2010. MY So-Called Life. Leave a comment.

chasing pirates

clearly, this song was written with me in mind.

hahaha.

‘cept of course i wasn’t born yet, but pfft,

minor details..

NOW i’m listening to norah jones,

trying to study Infections and Rashes

(keyword TRYING)

thinking about shoes

(one pair in particular)

thinking about people

(one someone in particular)

and…

i’m just sitting here

waiting for you

to come on home

and turn me on..

that’s track 6 by the way.

i feel like i’m 18 again

except now i know stupid parvo b19 doesn’t do rots to you.

gah.

and i would die in ecstasy.

June 30, 2010. MY So-Called Life. 1 comment.

write me a love song.

sometimes i think there’s too much wrong with me.

too insular, too critical, too everything.

i watch too much tv, and mostly garbage at that.

why do i watch so much gossip girl?

because i want to believe that you can be happy, in spite of the stupidest things in the world happening, you can be happy.

even if it’s just on a stupid, frivolous, brain cell killing tv show, you can be happy.

for a while.

there are so many things i wish i’d never said, so many things i wish i’d never done, so many things i wish i could take back, but i can’t.

sometimes

(at times like this)

when i need you so much,

when i need you most,

i wish i could make everything better,

i wish i could just disappear,

i wish i could just make everything stop.

i want to just curl up in bed and listen to sad music and cry and never leave my room.

star light, star bright

first star i see tonight

i wish i may, i wish i might

have the wish i wish tonight.

March 23, 2010. MY So-Called Life. Leave a comment.

cry me a river

46

i am sad

but i must not cry any more.

January 22, 2010. MY So-Called Life. 1 comment.

my heart is beating very quickly

on this terrible anxiety filled day i am very grateful to have friends who remember when (and why) i am likely to freak out (more than usual that is),

and who text me kind words of encouragement and support

and of course there is the Flee who yells at me (perhaps for which i am most thankful).

thank you all you wonderful people, thank you, and now please excuse me while i resume my freaking out.

THARSHEBLOWS

December 2, 2009. MY So-Called Life. Leave a comment.

and this year i am thankful for

tis the season of thanks come round

and this year i am thankful for so many things,

and most of all:

my family,

who love me in spite of my tantrums and difficultness

my friends,

in particular, a certain Flea, an enabler if i’ve ever met one,

and most excellent underwear,

(and also because you have brought me closer to my sparkly edward..well in 7-14 working days anyway..)

and my nummy nums

(enough said).

:)

and also my iPod,

so i can listen to Christmas music all year round (and you can’t judge me!)

even if it won’t let me play flac files.

so thank you Lord, for all that we have received,

and help us remember that we give thanks each and every day,

not least on this day of thanks.

*hopskip*

AND NOW ON TO CHRISTMAS!

November 25, 2009. MY So-Called Life. 2 comments.

you make me sparkle

yes i am ashamed that it took atonement and sparkly vampires to remind me of this.

November 24, 2009. MY So-Called Life. Leave a comment.

you’re nobody til somebody loves you

which may be slightly bad for your head state,

but its a nice song.

maybe it’s christmas in the air,

the rain,

the damp fug in my shower

i don’t know.

am in a surprisingly good mood today.

:)

find yourself somebody to love

November 21, 2009. MY So-Called Life. 2 comments.

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