POOK POOK

practice test

pOokpOok — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 10:10:05 +0000

I’ve been in this spot all day, listening to the same songs,

missing home, missing Someone

wondering what else is out there.

wouldn’t it be nice, if we could take a practice test for life?

Instead I must sit here and work through 15 practice tests. of which i have completed..2 pages.

this is going to be a Long Night.

radioactive!

pOokpOok — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 12:59:37 +0000

in less than 72 hours i get to go HOME (ie Home Home, not “home”, which I currently am in, but of course, lacks all the people that make Home Home, with the notable exception of Someone, who makes “home” feel a bit more like Home Home.)

man that was a long digression.also, confusing.

but anyway. WIN!

in the past year I do realise I’ve spent (wasted) a lot of time thinking about things, mulling over stupid things (grey?or blue? JUST GET BOTH), contemplating Important Questions, thinking and thinking and rethinking and wishing and hoping and wondering. most of all, wondering.

tonight I spent a little more time wondering. the precipitant? a song. Friday nights when I was 17, a movie, a line, a colour, a phrase, a picture, the heady scent of smoke (KL pollution) and musk and flowers and equations, and Math, how I used to Love Math.

now I can’t even calculate doses without a calculator. (but really, would you trust my mental arithmetic skills when THIS IS THE GENT THAT WILL KILL YOUR KIDNEYS)

so anyway. i also decided, after all this wondering, that i shall stop wondering and thinking whatifwhatifwhatif, because so what if whatif?

what IS, is the here and the now, and I choose the here and now.

because I’m radioactive, baby!

the Kleenex issue

pOokpOok — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 08:43:21 +0000

so pretty,but so highly allergenic.

Work,it pays the bills

pOokpOok — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 22:15:49 +0000

Oh it’s been ages .. and with scenes like this who can motivate to get out of bed to go to work.. before 7 am!?! Sigh.

atonement

pOokpOok — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 12:30:45 +0000

today,

i did something that i’m very proud of.

or rather, didn’t do something, which in a way, makes me the proudest of all.

you’d be proud of me too.

it’s moments like this, days like these, when i think iwanttoiwanttoiwantto, and don’t, that i know i can do this, and i will, because i am.

Start to Smile

pOokpOok — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 15:27:57 +0000

…when you come back in july we can go to the bouncy castle and they also have a big toy store and then we can go and see the reptiles did you know reptiles are cold blooded and they are fierce creatures but there are also friendly reptiles like the ones we saw this morning,remember? and i put my leopard gecko in a basket with lizard food and the ben 10 alien parts and ultimate humongosaur is different from humongosaur because his hands can turn into WEAPONS

somehow coming back always seems to make

leaving again that much harder.

the ? question

pOokpOok — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 15:52:06 +0000

you know, i think i like this new career of mine.

after all, i get to use big words like pathognomonic without being judged.

me likey.

we’ll find the key

pOokpOok — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 13:47:29 +0000

i am currently feeling a sense of contentment i haven’t felt in a long time.

maybe it’s because i am super full

from

breakfast (cherries), lunch (cherriescarrotspizza), and dinner (paellasouvlakipidepancakesNOMORECHERRIESTHANKGOD)

whoopee.

i’m listening to a song a friend wrote

it is ..

interesting.

i thought it would make me sad,

but all it has done is made me feel nostalgic.

i’m not sure if it’s just an idealised memory

but then again isn’t that what nostalgia is about, really?

reminiscing about things you once wanted and loved,

things you thought you loved

things you still love

things that were far from

ideal

but somehow always manages to seem…

perfect,

when you reflect on it.

this coming year i’m making a promise

because i’m worth it.

you make the things i see so beautiful

priori incantatem

pOokpOok — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 12:39:05 +0000

“if you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded”

- maya angelou

today, i am officially a doctor.

no longer will i be able to lean on the crutch of “i’m just the medical student, let me clarify with ____”

this is it.

i think about the past 5 and a half years,

the past 3 years,

and quite oddly,

the past year in particular

(if you know the reason, you know)

i think about all the cliches you hear at graduations and commencement ceremonies,

all the “this is not the end, it’s just the end of the beginning”

etc etc etc

and trite, twee, contrived as they all are,

there is something about crossing that stage, walking down those steps

that makes you think-

it’s been a long journey,

it wasn’t always easy,

but i’ve come a long way.

there’s something about it that makes you feel

i deserve this,

i am worth it.

today,

having the people who really matter to me

and having someone (you know who you are) say to me-

you’ve done well for yourself

i know i can do it

i still get these fleeting moments of sadness, of anger, of regret,

but now the difference is

i can tell myself

you will get better, and you will be better

i will be better than this.

i will now end with a cliche.

The first act of your life is over. Welcome to the best years of your lives.

- Nora Ephron

we all do, even the most flawed of us,

we all have.

four corners

pOokpOok — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 10:10:14 +0000

i suppose it would be a fair observation, that i display obsessive compulsive tendencies.

my habits, which range from washing my hands religiously (5 moments for Hand Hygiene, represent!), to filing my bills and statements chronologically (which technically, is not obsessive compulsive, but some people beg to differ), to watching and rewatching gossip girl and er and bigbang and whatnot, for the most part, i believe cause no disadvantage or inconvenience to others.

which is why i get upset when i am called out, in a beyond-ribbing manner, on my habits and interests and all other matters regarding to my personal practices and beliefs. for reasons that i know not, but have suspicions about. which i think is unfair.

for some reason, as this year, 2010, draws to an end, i am not…happy.

i have not been happy for a while now.

there are many reasons i should be happy, thankful, rejoicing.

i hope to graduate medical school in a fortnight.

i have friends, who i now know will be there for me, as long as i ask

and perhaps above all, i have a deeply loving family, who are far from perfect, but whom i love, and love me very much.

and yet, i am unhappy.

i know the reason why, and i suspect some of you (well, the very few of you) do, as well.

i do not understand.

i do not understand behaviour.

i do not understand motivations.

i suppose in the big picture (which was going to be the title of this post, until i changed my mind), this is no reason for me to be unhappy. it is but a small detour, in what i foresee will continue to be a long and complicated journey, in both my personal and professional life.

but having the insight, and knowing what is the right course of action does not make it easier to undertake.

it does not make it easier for me to wake up every morning and tell myself, today i will not cry.

it most certainly does not make it easier for me to stop wondering, stop reflecting, stop mulling obsessively (you know, because of my obsessive compulsiveness), even though i am a rational person, and have a working understanding of basic psychiatry, and recognise that my behaviour is not normal.

i just want to be happy again.

i am finding it hard, though, to believe, that i will be, again.

dear grown-up,happy(er) self,

i eagerly anticipate our next meeting and look forward to making your acquaintance soon, in the near future.

yours,

me.

i also look forward to meeting my own john carter (except hopefully without the amyloidosis and renal failure), because i am tired, i am alone, and most of all, i think i deserve it.

after all of this, after the debacle that has been my life thus far, i think i deserve it.

because don’t we all?