i was listening to this song at work today.

before i realised i’d heard it before,

again and again.

and tell me that

“At the age of just five i had become one of the fashion industry’s most sought after consumers:

one who takes pleasure in buying something new when they don’t really need it,

and who appreciates the intangible value beautiful clothes have.

Not to mention one who couldn’t afford what they really wanted,strictly speaking, but purchased it anyway.”

David Meagher, Fashion Speak

ha!

a cow gets stuck in a tree

a family of ducks explore

curiouser

and curiouser.

*

gargh.

one day before i turn 23

my head is congested

aye, tis going to explode.

THARSHEBLOWS!

kablooey.

one day before i turn 23.

bah,humbug!

indeed.

nonetheless- i have a day of endless (and senseless) indulgence ahead.

cocoavantchanelshopshopshopteaspecialbluebox

and most of all,

dinner with my favourite people.

sometimes,

even when you feel like crap,

you can’t help but not, really.

*

cartoons-

and forever plans, baby.

you’ll be mine, yours, and ours.

today i read a book

about the assassination of a Pakistani dictator.

it was darkly humorous

somewhat morbid

plus it had mangoes (well..)

two thumbs up.

earlier today,

i met a gentleman who has donated his body to science

or plans to anyway.

many interesting conversations today

mount bulla, ghan , audrey.

german.

it has been an interesting day.

you know when you have something you really like

a movie, a song, a book, a place, a something

and someone has to go and ruin it for you

and you can never look at it the same way again

and that feeling, that contentment and joy and excitement and belonging you felt

is now tainted

(i know you know)

i hate that.

farewell my darling

i loved you once.

apple galettes

chocolate fudge cake

i am happy when i bake.

lend me your wings,and teach me how to fly

show me when it rains, the place you go to hide

let’s stay awake

and listen to the dark.

-birds, emiliana torrini

everywhere i go, there you are.

everywhere i turn you follow.

hello,my shadow.

when i think about last year,

i wonder why i’m about to make the same mistake

only this time,

i’m not going to stop.

i hope my smile can distract you

i hope my fists can fight for two

so it never has to show

and you’ll never have to know

i hope my love can blind you

i hope my arms can bind you

so you’ll never have to see

what we’ve grown to be.

one may think we’re alright

but we need pills

to sleep at night

we need lies

to make it through the day

we’re not ok.

-pills, the perishers

i’m tired and sleepy.

i wish i didn’t have to.

i just want to lie in bed and watch movies

and chocolate, that would help too.

it’s amazing. you look like a normal person, but actually you’re the angel of death.

ha!

in 3 days i will have to get on a plane and fly back to melbourne, only to be surrounded by people i cannot stand and yet cannot avoid, and for what?

WHAT?

oh god.

why is it that everything i want, i cannot have without some ridonkulous consequence?

why do i have to give up so many things just so i can do one thing that i really like?

why?

WHY?

what, pray tell, what is the damn point of this, WHAT?

)(*&$@)(#*&$)(&()*#&@.

#&%@&#%&@&#**&^@%#&*^%*@&#%.

now substitute all that for highly creative swear words.

BAH.

sometimes i think

if i had to have that same conversation one more time, i would lose my mind and just whack someone in the head.

but then violence is never the answer

and also, i’d be left to ____________ alone. and which would seriously impede my shopping.

so..no.

and now that i am freaking 4000 miles away, and we have to have this same freaking conversation again, i just want to scream and whack something.

instead, i have controlled my violent tendencies and cleaned the back yard, washed 2 small animals and given one of them a buzz cut, and made some cupcakes for my niece and nephew (sorry i ate half of them, i was hungry).

it is all i can do to stop myself from picking up the phone and yelling at you (although i never did this even when i was in melbourne and could yell at you in person).

watch out you, i’ll be back soon….

ARGHARGHARGHARGH.

fear my wrath, bitchface!

haha.

hmm.

maybe i Have become a bit more violent.

curious.

actually, scratch that. i’m just going to run interference from all the way over here, and watch as things spontaneously (well not really, as i’ll be the one stoking the fire HAHAHA) combust. and then i will sit back and laugh, like a crazy person, because that is what you are doing to me, argharghargh!!!!!

ahem.

ok.

crazy time is over.

why is this looping in the little playlist in my head?

hmmm.

there is no better feeling- than that of arriving home to people who are truly pleased to see you, of snuggly (and slightly hairy) pets who insist on following you around all day, of friends who you genuinely cannot wait to see again.

there is none.

except maybe finally sleeping after 36 hours of non-sleep, free of nightmares and scary voices in your head.

i wonder what these 3 weeks will do to us.

i also wonder why my hair is refusing to lie flat (why must you stick out like that?)

i am also looking forward to watching transformers tomorrow (although it is quite likely that i will not enjoy it, seeing as it is loud and full of shouty explosions and also megan fox, whom i understand ..bounces..around a lot in this movie). i am determined to try and enjoy it in spite of all this, just so i can finally say I HAVE WATCHED THIS WRETCHED MOVIE because yes, i am weak and vulnerable to peer pressure like that.

also i am looking forward to tea-and-cake-and-movie-and-shopping with my bestest friend (yay!!), and meeting up with my other bestest friend (when she gets back, hurry up woman!) so double yay!

I AM SO EXCITED I MIGHT JUST EXPLODE

kablooey!

this silence sits easy

so peacefully.

*

today, this morning of the 30th day of june, the middle of the year (don’t quibble, dramatic effect ok)..

i have decided

to just forget everything.

it’s so much easier to erase the past, rather than remember and think and remember and think

maybe in a few years i’ll be able to look back and not be sad

but for now, for now..

it never existed,

and none of it was real.

i know someone who would (should!) be proud of me.

(you better be proud of me woman!)

*

so take me far away now

and hold me close to your heart

and do me just this little favour

those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

sigh.

can’t wait for next week.

so many things to look forward to.

damn it, maybe i SHOULD go buy that ___.

i want it all and i want it now.

maybe it’s a substitute for you.

yes, that must be why i have so many shoes.

hee.

clickety click my darlings, it’s Chuck Bass

and an accent has never been sexier.

that katy perry song has been looping in my head for SOME STRANGE REASON

and then i listened, really listened, and realised

hot damn, my subconsicous mind does a whole lot of thinking doesn’t it.

hee.

it’s headless chicken time, baby!

except i won’t run in circles anymore-

i promise.

(logistically though, this might pose a problem…think about it…where/how else would i run?)

a few days ago i had a very vivid dream, in which i was at the david jones stocktake sale

where i found these awesome prada flats for $20.

so naturally i Had to get them.

but then, as my companions distracted me (pffft) i turned around to discover that my pradas had been whisked away by the SA!

frustrated i was,

but also determined to score myself a bargain.

and so i continued browsing, and lo and behold,

i found some chanel flats for $50!

and so i leaned over to get them,

and hit my head on the shelf.

and then i woke up,

because i had rolled over and hit my head on the bedside table.

whoooOooO!

you see, even in my dreams i am unfaltering in my love of footwear-

i will not be defeated in my pursuits.

now if only i could apply that to things that ACTUALLY matter…

i was just sitting here, thinking about bananas

and then i remembered one day last year when i ate 7 bananas and a cup of coffee and had palpitations.

oh, the wonders and marvels of my brain.

why am i thinking about bananas?

curiouser and curiouser.

sometimes when i look at pictures of my pets

i think i want to squeeze them

until they explode.

hee.

let there be light, let there be morning.

yesterday someone told me:

if everyone placed all their worries into little jars

and lined them up on a shelf-

given the choice,

we’d all pick our own jars.

there are some songs that stay with you, always

and for some reason,

this is mine.