I’ve been in this spot all day, listening to the same songs,
missing home, missing Someone
wondering what else is out there.
wouldn’t it be nice, if we could take a practice test for life?
Instead I must sit here and work through 15 practice tests. of which i have completed..2 pages.
this is going to be a Long Night.
in less than 72 hours i get to go HOME (ie Home Home, not “home”, which I currently am in, but of course, lacks all the people that make Home Home, with the notable exception of Someone, who makes “home” feel a bit more like Home Home.)
man that was a long digression.also, confusing.
but anyway. WIN!
in the past year I do realise I’ve spent (wasted) a lot of time thinking about things, mulling over stupid things (grey?or blue? JUST GET BOTH), contemplating Important Questions, thinking and thinking and rethinking and wishing and hoping and wondering. most of all, wondering.
tonight I spent a little more time wondering. the precipitant? a song. Friday nights when I was 17, a movie, a line, a colour, a phrase, a picture, the heady scent of smoke (KL pollution) and musk and flowers and equations, and Math, how I used to Love Math.
now I can’t even calculate doses without a calculator. (but really, would you trust my mental arithmetic skills when THIS IS THE GENT THAT WILL KILL YOUR KIDNEYS)
so anyway. i also decided, after all this wondering, that i shall stop wondering and thinking whatifwhatifwhatif, because so what if whatif?
what IS, is the here and the now, and I choose the here and now.
because I’m radioactive, baby!
so pretty,but so highly allergenic.
Oh it’s been ages .. and with scenes like this who can motivate to get out of bed to go to work.. before 7 am!?! Sigh.
i did something that i’m very proud of.
or rather, didn’t do something, which in a way, makes me the proudest of all.
you’d be proud of me too.
it’s moments like this, days like these, when i think iwanttoiwanttoiwantto, and don’t, that i know i can do this, and i will, because i am.
…when you come back in july we can go to the bouncy castle and they also have a big toy store and then we can go and see the reptiles did you know reptiles are cold blooded and they are fierce creatures but there are also friendly reptiles like the ones we saw this morning,remember? and i put my leopard gecko in a basket with lizard food and the ben 10 alien parts and ultimate humongosaur is different from humongosaur because his hands can turn into WEAPONS
somehow coming back always seems to make
leaving again that much harder.
you know, i think i like this new career of mine.
after all, i get to use big words like pathognomonic without being judged.
i am currently feeling a sense of contentment i haven’t felt in a long time.
maybe it’s because i am super full
breakfast (cherries), lunch (cherriescarrotspizza), and dinner (paellasouvlakipidepancakesNOMORECHERRIESTHANKGOD)
i’m listening to a song a friend wrote
it is ..
i thought it would make me sad,
but all it has done is made me feel nostalgic.
i’m not sure if it’s just an idealised memory
but then again isn’t that what nostalgia is about, really?
reminiscing about things you once wanted and loved,
things you thought you loved
things you still love
things that were far from
but somehow always manages to seem…
when you reflect on it.
this coming year i’m making a promise
because i’m worth it.
you make the things i see so beautiful
“if you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded”
– maya angelou
today, i am officially a doctor.
no longer will i be able to lean on the crutch of “i’m just the medical student, let me clarify with ____”
this is it.
i think about the past 5 and a half years,
the past 3 years,
and quite oddly,
the past year in particular
(if you know the reason, you know)
i think about all the cliches you hear at graduations and commencement ceremonies,
all the “this is not the end, it’s just the end of the beginning”
etc etc etc
and trite, twee, contrived as they all are,
there is something about crossing that stage, walking down those steps
that makes you think-
it’s been a long journey,
it wasn’t always easy,
but i’ve come a long way.
there’s something about it that makes you feel
i deserve this,
i am worth it.
having the people who really matter to me
and having someone (you know who you are) say to me-
you’ve done well for yourself
i know i can do it
i still get these fleeting moments of sadness, of anger, of regret,
but now the difference is
i can tell myself
you will get better, and you will be better
i will be better than this.
i will now end with a cliche.
The first act of your life is over. Welcome to the best years of your lives.
– Nora Ephron
we all do, even the most flawed of us,
we all have.
i suppose it would be a fair observation, that i display obsessive compulsive tendencies.
my habits, which range from washing my hands religiously (5 moments for Hand Hygiene, represent!), to filing my bills and statements chronologically (which technically, is not obsessive compulsive, but some people beg to differ), to watching and rewatching gossip girl and er and bigbang and whatnot, for the most part, i believe cause no disadvantage or inconvenience to others.
which is why i get upset when i am called out, in a beyond-ribbing manner, on my habits and interests and all other matters regarding to my personal practices and beliefs. for reasons that i know not, but have suspicions about. which i think is unfair.
for some reason, as this year, 2010, draws to an end, i am not…happy.
i have not been happy for a while now.
there are many reasons i should be happy, thankful, rejoicing.
i hope to graduate medical school in a fortnight.
i have friends, who i now know will be there for me, as long as i ask
and perhaps above all, i have a deeply loving family, who are far from perfect, but whom i love, and love me very much.
and yet, i am unhappy.
i know the reason why, and i suspect some of you (well, the very few of you) do, as well.
i do not understand.
i do not understand behaviour.
i do not understand motivations.
i suppose in the big picture (which was going to be the title of this post, until i changed my mind), this is no reason for me to be unhappy. it is but a small detour, in what i foresee will continue to be a long and complicated journey, in both my personal and professional life.
but having the insight, and knowing what is the right course of action does not make it easier to undertake.
it does not make it easier for me to wake up every morning and tell myself, today i will not cry.
it most certainly does not make it easier for me to stop wondering, stop reflecting, stop mulling obsessively (you know, because of my obsessive compulsiveness), even though i am a rational person, and have a working understanding of basic psychiatry, and recognise that my behaviour is not normal.
i just want to be happy again.
i am finding it hard, though, to believe, that i will be, again.
dear grown-up,happy(er) self,
i eagerly anticipate our next meeting and look forward to making your acquaintance soon, in the near future.
i also look forward to meeting my own john carter (except hopefully without the amyloidosis and renal failure), because i am tired, i am alone, and most of all, i think i deserve it.
after all of this, after the debacle that has been my life thus far, i think i deserve it.
because don’t we all?
it has been a long time since a day has gone by
during which i have not cried, at some point
which is worrying and sad, all at the same time.
this has occurred to me
because today, i cried watching a short film,
and then i cried listening to debussy
(when in actual fact, if there’s any reason to cry, it should be that i have EXAMS on THURSDAY!)
this worries me.
today, i am grateful for:
my best friends, who remember
harry potter and rpattz and favourite flowers
the kind words of a complete stranger
in what must surely be some kind of cosmic intervention
(yes, channel 9)
harry potter 3 is on tv!
i shall watch it.
i will get
just that little bit better.
pOokpOok thinks it is ironic
that she has just opened the Magnolia Bakery cookbook
to the Traditional Vanilla Buttercream frosting recipe
and placed it atop her
Oxford Handbook of Clinical Medicine,
opened to the page on diabetes mellitus.
(also pOokpOok would like to add that:
for her upcoming birthday, age unspecified,
she would like a kitchenaid mixer,
please and thank you)
SANTA ARE YOU LISTENING?
(clearly, she is also confused)
clearly, this song was written with me in mind.
‘cept of course i wasn’t born yet, but pfft,
NOW i’m listening to norah jones,
trying to study Infections and Rashes
thinking about shoes
(one pair in particular)
thinking about people
(one someone in particular)
i’m just sitting here
waiting for you
to come on home
and turn me on..
that’s track 6 by the way.
i feel like i’m 18 again
except now i know stupid parvo b19 doesn’t do rots to you.
and i would die in ecstasy.
sometimes i think there’s too much wrong with me.
too insular, too critical, too everything.
i watch too much tv, and mostly garbage at that.
why do i watch so much gossip girl?
because i want to believe that you can be happy, in spite of the stupidest things in the world happening, you can be happy.
even if it’s just on a stupid, frivolous, brain cell killing tv show, you can be happy.
for a while.
there are so many things i wish i’d never said, so many things i wish i’d never done, so many things i wish i could take back, but i can’t.
(at times like this)
when i need you so much,
when i need you most,
i wish i could make everything better,
i wish i could just disappear,
i wish i could just make everything stop.
i want to just curl up in bed and listen to sad music and cry and never leave my room.
star light, star bright
first star i see tonight
i wish i may, i wish i might
have the wish i wish tonight.
i am sad
but i must not cry any more.
on this terrible anxiety filled day i am very grateful to have friends who remember when (and why) i am likely to freak out (more than usual that is),
and who text me kind words of encouragement and support
and of course there is the Flee who yells at me (perhaps for which i am most thankful).
thank you all you wonderful people, thank you, and now please excuse me while i resume my freaking out.
tis the season of thanks come round
and this year i am thankful for so many things,
and most of all:
who love me in spite of my tantrums and difficultness
in particular, a certain Flea, an enabler if i’ve ever met one,
and most excellent underwear,
(and also because you have brought me closer to my sparkly edward..well in 7-14 working days anyway..)
and my nummy nums
and also my iPod,
even if it won’t let me play flac files.
so thank you Lord, for all that we have received,
and help us remember that we give thanks each and every day,
not least on this day of thanks.
AND NOW ON TO CHRISTMAS!
yes i am ashamed that it took atonement and sparkly vampires to remind me of this.
which may be slightly bad for your head state,
but its a nice song.
maybe it’s christmas in the air,
the damp fug in my shower
i don’t know.
am in a surprisingly good mood today.
find yourself somebody to love