As I Am

star light, star bright.

first star i see tonight.

i wish i may, i wish i might,

have the wish i wish tonight.

(musings ahead)

i am, by nature, not a cruel person.

whatever you may think.

(regardless of the jokes i make about Supre wedding dresses)*

(and the whole mutton dressed as lamb issue, hee…)

i may joke a lot, poke fun (and poke) a lot, but i would never ever intentionally do anything hateful, or spiteful to anyone, regardless of how i think you’ve treated me in the past.

i will never do anything to hurt anyone.

primum non nocere (it’s a job requirement, haha)

i will hold your hand when you need me to, just because i know what it’s like when you need someone’s hand to hold.

sometimes i wonder if i’ve chosen the right career, because in medicine, everyone’s in pain, and everyone, to some extent, is suffering in some way.

i mean, you don’t just wake up and think, oh wow, i feel great today, hmm, i think i’ll go see a doctor,shall i?

well,you might, but that’s a whole other can of worms, haha.

how do you then learn to disengage?

how do you learn to balance this whole caring thing…caring just enough for the patient that it has the best outcome for them, without compromising yourself?

and how do you learn to separate this-

this selective, carefully measured caringness of patients, with the true, genuine, caring that you show your friends and people you love?

my contention is this:

you shouldn’t have to.

i would not wish to have to care about someone just enough, but not so much that i truly and so deeply cared, in that it might affect me.

i would not want to be anything other than genuine in caring for someone.

most of all, maybe this stems from hoping that whatever affection people show me is genuine.

so for now, i care.

i choose to care.

i hope never to become a cynic, a hardened skeptic, a disbelieving everybody lies kind of person.

why oh why am i so naive?

star light, star bright.

first star i see tonight.

i wish i may, i wish i might,

have the wish i wish tonight.

*i’m not sure Supre actually makes wedding dresses

September 1, 2008. MY So-Called Life.

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