in less than 72 hours i get to go HOME (ie Home Home, not “home”, which I currently am in, but of course, lacks all the people that make Home Home, with the notable exception of Someone, who makes “home” feel a bit more like Home Home.)

man that was a long digression.also, confusing.

but anyway. WIN!

in the past year I do realise I’ve spent (wasted) a lot of time thinking about things, mulling over stupid things (grey?or blue? JUST GET BOTH), contemplating Important Questions, thinking and thinking and rethinking and wishing and hoping and wondering. most of all, wondering.

tonight I spent a little more time wondering. the precipitant? a song. Friday nights when I was 17, a movie, a line, a colour, a phrase, a picture, the heady scent of smoke (KL pollution) and musk and flowers and equations, and Math, how I used to Love Math.

now I can’t even calculate doses without a calculator. (but really, would you trust my mental arithmetic skills when THIS IS THE GENT THAT WILL KILL YOUR KIDNEYS)

so anyway. i also decided, after all this wondering, that i shall stop wondering and thinking whatifwhatifwhatif, because so what if whatif?

what IS, is the here and the now, and I choose the here and now.

because I’m radioactive, baby!

July 14, 2011. MY So-Called Life.

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