four corners

i suppose it would be a fair observation, that i display obsessive compulsive tendencies.

my habits, which range from washing my hands religiously (5 moments for Hand Hygiene, represent!), to filing my bills and statements chronologically (which technically, is not obsessive compulsive, but some people beg to differ), to watching and rewatching gossip girl and er and bigbang and whatnot, for the most part, i believe cause no disadvantage or inconvenience to others.

which is why i get upset when i am called out, in a beyond-ribbing manner, on my habits and interests and all other matters regarding to my personal practices and beliefs. for reasons that i know not, but have suspicions about. which i think is unfair.

for some reason, as this year, 2010, draws to an end, i am not…happy.

i have not been happy for a while now.

there are many reasons i should be happy, thankful, rejoicing.

i hope to graduate medical school in a fortnight.

i have friends, who i now know will be there for me, as long as i ask

and perhaps above all, i have a deeply loving family, who are far from perfect, but whom i love, and love me very much.

and yet, i am unhappy.

i know the reason why, and i suspect some of you (well, the very few of you) do, as well.

i do not understand.

i do not understand behaviour.

i do not understand motivations.

i suppose in the big picture (which was going to be the title of this post, until i changed my mind), this is no reason for me to be unhappy. it is but a small detour, in what i foresee will continue to be a long and complicated journey, in both my personal and professional life.

but having the insight, and knowing what is the right course of action does not make it easier to undertake.

it does not make it easier for me to wake up every morning and tell myself, today i will not cry.

it most certainly does not make it easier for me to stop wondering, stop reflecting, stop mulling obsessively (you know, because of my obsessive compulsiveness), even though i am a rational person, and have a working understanding of basic psychiatry, and recognise that my behaviour is not normal.

i just want to be happy again.

i am finding it hard, though, to believe, that i will be, again.

dear grown-up,happy(er) self,

i eagerly anticipate our next meeting and look forward to making your acquaintance soon, in the near future.

yours,

me.

i also look forward to meeting my own john carter (except hopefully without the amyloidosis and renal failure), because i am tired, i am alone, and most of all, i think i deserve it.

after all of this, after the debacle that has been my life thus far, i think i deserve it.

because don’t we all?

November 22, 2010. MY So-Called Life. Leave a comment.